koizora

I don’t really know how to explain how I feel about you. I am definitely not in love with you. Don’t...

Wed, 12 Jun 2013 19:10:44 -0700

I don’t really know how to explain how I feel about you. I am definitely not in love with you. Don’t even really think I “like like” you. I guess the best way I can put it is that I have a crush on you.

I don’t think I’m obsessed or infatuated with you, but I do think about you a lot. I suppose I wonder if you think about me a lot too. I also wonder if you have similar feelings for me.

I think I may be mistaking your kindness and friendship for something more. But I suppose it is the things you do and say and your small gestures…

I shouldn’t think of it as anything. I am graduating and you’re not. I’m from the Bay and you’re from L.A. Even if we shared mutual feelings for each other, we wouldn’t have a chance. It’s shitty, yet comforting at the same time…the thought that there is no possible future for you and I.

I will enjoy the time we have left together, and I hope you can do the same.

I purposely waited for your bus. As you approached the stop, I saw that wide grin stupidly plastered...

Sat, 08 Jun 2013 01:55:25 -0700

I purposely waited for your bus. As you approached the stop, I saw that wide grin stupidly plastered across your face. I hopped on and hugged you. I intended on staying on your bus until we reached admin, but I ended up riding your bus for two hours; two hours of constant talking and laughter. To be honest, I wouldn’t have been able to do that with any other driver, only you.

Thank you for today.
Thank you for the hugs, smiles, laughter, and happiness.

Photo

Thu, 06 Jun 2013 03:50:25 -0700

I can imagine our next encounter. I’ll text you saying “Hey, I know we haven’t...

Thu, 06 Jun 2013 01:55:45 -0700

I can imagine our next encounter.

I’ll text you saying “Hey, I know we haven’t spoken and I was the one to break off our friendship, but I was hoping I could see you for five minutes or so. I need to give you something. Don’t worry, it isn’t anything bad.” And you’ll text me back saying either that you don’t want whatever I want to give you or that you don’t think that you can see me. Then I’ll tell you, “Well, I am going to give it to you whether or not you want it. I’d prefer if I gave it to you personally or if it comes down to it, I’ll just drop it off at your house.” Reluctantly, you’d agree to us meeting. And I would head to your house.

During the short ten minute drive from my house to your’s, I would contemplate what I would say to you, what you would say to me, and what would happen. I would find myself parking my car in front of your neighbor’s house and walking to your front door. I would ring the doorbell and awkwardly look around.

If your brother or your mother didn’t answer the door, you’d answer. I would hear your long strides as you finally reached the door. Both you and I would exchange polite hello’s. I would hand you a paper bag full of your old clothing that I had borrowed. The paper would crinkle and rustle as you held the bag and peered inside, examining the contents. You would tell me that you didn’t want the clothing back and I would reply, “I can’t hold onto it anymore. Even if you aren’t going to wear the clothing ever again, I’d rather it gather dust in your closet instead of mine.” You wouldn’t argue, you would agree with a light nod.

I would pull out a manila folder and hand it to you. “Here are the photos I took of you. I thought that you should have them. I have more, but these are the only ones that I printed. Put them in a safe place, photo paper is pretty expensive.” Again, you would contest, saying either that you couldn’t accept them or that I should hold onto them. I would eventually convince you to keep them and I would say, “Well, that’s all I wanted to give you. Guess I’ll see you around.”

Here’s the tricky part. That selfish part of me, that part of me that still loves you would want you to stop me and ask if I wanted to stay for longer. The other part of me knows that you would let me leave.

If you asked me to stay longer, I would say “I can’t. I really can’t. I have to go.” You might insist and I would give in. I still love you, remember? I still care for you, remember? I might not show it, but I would be overjoyed at the fact you asked me to step inside and stay.

We’d both climb the stairs as we used to, but this time, as friends or should I say acquaintances or more accurately, I suppose as “ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend.” You would put the bag down and set aside the manila folder in a safe place and sit down on your bed. I would awkwardly sit on the ground or the edge of your bed. And we would talk.

I don’t really know what we’d talk about. Maybe we’d catch up. But me, I would be hoping that you would tell me how much you miss me, how much you regret what happened, how much you need me in your life, and how much you realized that you loved me.

But I can’t do that anymore.
I cannot harbor hope for you and I. I cannot love you anymore. I cannot be there for you anymore. I will try not to care, but I know that I will never stop caring for you. I will never be able to stop this curiosity that consumes me.

No matter how much I want to run back to you, no matter how much I want you to come back to me, I can’t.

This situation will never happen because I won’t let it happen.
I can’t.

Who the fuck do you think you are? You would think that after we broke up, I wouldn’t have to...

Fri, 24 May 2013 05:45:23 -0700

Who the fuck do you think you are? You would think that after we broke up, I wouldn’t have to deal with your shit anymore. Last night, you texted me and lashed out at me. Who said you have the right to talk to me like that?

My bad that your life is shit. I don’t have any control over that. You’re suffering the consequences for your decisions. Fucking man up to what you’ve done and suck it up.

Who the fuck are you? I don’t even know you. What happened to that kid I know with such a strong sense of ambition? What happened to pursuing your dreams? All I see is some boy occupying this liminal state of nothingness wasting his time, money, and effort to be with some girl. What a life you have right now.

She understands you, right? She loves you, right? She cares for you, right?

She has become you best friend because you two have spent literally every waking moment together for the past three weeks. But don’t you ever tell me that she knows you better than I do? She hasn’t seen what I’ve seen or heard what I’ve heard. She’s been in your life for a fraction of a second compared to how long I’ve know you.

I honestly hope this shit doesn’t last. All she does is perpetuate this Idgaf attitude. You think you can be happy with her for the rest of your life? You think you can do nothing for the rest of your life?

Have fun living a life like that. Never thought you would amount to that little.
Disappointment.

Everyone says, “I deserve happiness” so easily. But it is difficult for others to say,...

Sun, 19 May 2013 07:00:13 -0700

Everyone says, “I deserve happiness” so easily. But it is difficult for others to say, “You deserve happiness.” One may think that they might have to sacrifice their happiness for someone else’s happiness.

Humans are such selfish beings; we are all consumed with ourselves and our lives, and in turn, we neglect the feelings, emotions, and lives of others.
People need to realize that as humans, we experience similar emotions and have gone through similar experiences. Do not be selfish and think that you are alone; someone has experienced what you have in the past and someone will experience what you have in the future.

I want people to realize that you cannot only think of yourself. You should be your number one priority, but do not make you life, needs, wants or emotions to be the ONLY priority.

With saying that, I want to help her. She’s experiencing emotions similar to what I did, and if she lets me, I want to be her friend. I don’t want to be her savior or anything like that, I suppose I want to show her that there is hope in the world.

“No, you look good.” Hey, thank you for complimenting me today. I have been feeling...

Sat, 18 May 2013 01:55:18 -0700

“No, you look good.”
Hey, thank you for complimenting me today.
I have been feeling quite unattractive, but your compliment happened to brighten my day.

Heartbreak ain’t that bad when you have people who care and love you around.

Fri, 17 May 2013 03:50:29 -0700

Heartbreak ain’t that bad when you have people who care and love you around.

Why can’t you love and want me the way you used to? Why can’t you love and want me the...

Fri, 17 May 2013 01:55:26 -0700

Why can’t you love and want me the way you used to?
Why can’t you love and want me the way you love and want her?
Why did everything change?

I want to be loved by you.

Sacrifice

Thu, 16 May 2013 21:05:29 -0700

I am sacrificing myself for someone else’s happiness.
I cannot be selfish.
I must be selfless.

I need to calm the fuck down.I may have fucked everything up, omg.NOTHING NEW THOUGH, I’m...

Thu, 16 May 2013 19:10:34 -0700

I need to calm the fuck down.
I may have fucked everything up, omg.
NOTHING NEW THOUGH, I’m fucking everything up all the time.

I think I may have needed that reality check.
Fuck.

Photo

Thu, 16 May 2013 05:45:12 -0700

It’ll sting. It’ll burn.It’ll be painful. But maybe it is what I need to move...

Thu, 16 May 2013 03:50:16 -0700

It’ll sting.
It’ll burn.
It’ll be painful.
But maybe it is what I need to move on.
Here goes nothing.

You said you wanted to be honest with me. Ever since, all you’ve been is...

Thu, 16 May 2013 01:55:30 -0700

You said you wanted to be honest with me.
Ever since, all you’ve been is dishonest.
You’ve told me twisted, mutilated lies with a sliver of truth.
Fuck you.

For the past couple of days whenever I have attempted to vocalize the situation I am currently in, I...

Wed, 15 May 2013 07:40:33 -0700

For the past couple of days whenever I have attempted to vocalize the situation I am currently in, I always wondered to myself what exactly happened to us and why you and your feelings changed. I am starting to think that I should not even question it anymore. What has happened has happened and all I can do is move forward from this. I have always said to myself that there is nothing to be done for what has happened in the past, therefore there is no point in dwelling upon it. Now, I need to take my own advice and move forward.

I am disappointed in the person you have grown to be. I am dissatisfied with the decisions you have made recently. But I will attempt to preserve the memories of our relationship.

I may feel bitter and betrayed by you, but in the past, you have brought me happiness that no one else has ever given me.
You were my first boyfriend, my first love, my first kiss, my first…everything. I am thankful for all of the memories, but it is time for us to date other people.
To be honest, maybe I am harboring hope, but I think if you did change and mature, I would surely date you again.

I have placed you on a pedestal so high up, now I need to watch you fall from that pedestal.
I do not think I can help you anymore.
When you’ve fallen and are weak, you’ll need to get up on your own, without my help, without help from anyone.
And then maybe you’ll realize how you’ve wronged me and why I feel the way I do.

I thought that there’s no way I’d be able to get over you. But last night, I suppose you...

Tue, 14 May 2013 07:40:41 -0700

I thought that there’s no way I’d be able to get over you. But last night, I suppose you can say I had an epiphany. I can and will get over you.

I have been so easily discarded as if my love, time, and effort for the past three and a half years has meant nothing to you.

I suppose you were right saying that the future only holds friendship for us.
But I am not sure if I can do that.
I don’t think I can even be friends with you.

I thought that you hadn’t changed that much, but your recent behavior has shown me otherwise.
Change is supposed to be good, but I don’t think that you are changing for the better, but rather the worst.

One day, I hope you realize that you took for granted all that I gave you and that you have officially lost me forever.

I used to be someone who wore her heart on her sleeve.But now?I tuck away my feelings of sadness,...

Fri, 10 May 2013 01:55:33 -0700

I used to be someone who wore her heart on her sleeve.
But now?
I tuck away my feelings of sadness, loneliness, and heart ache. I seldom discuss such feelings and emotions with others. I suppose it’s because I feel as if I do not know who to talk to. I don’t want pity or sympathy or empathy, I just want release.
I want to cry and release the emotions, feelings and thoughts that I have suppressed for so long.
I am hitting that all time low where I don’t know what the hell to do with myself.

With each passing day, I become more and more cynical. Normally, I am excited to go home, but I am...

Thu, 09 May 2013 19:10:18 -0700

With each passing day, I become more and more cynical.
Normally, I am excited to go home, but I am honestly dreading it.
I figure that you’re going to tell me via e-mail, Fb message or text message that you no longer want to be in contact with me or that you “can’t” see me this weekend or that you don’t want to date me anymore.
My mind is shrouded with doubt. I cannot be optimistic. I have to be realistic and prepare for the worst.

You’ve probably realized that I am an unattractive, undeserving piece of shit and found a new girl (or an old one…) to replace me.
I can’t do this best friend shit if you’re going to ignore me the same way you did when we were going out.

Here’s to tomorrow.
Let’s see how this shit finna play out.

Are we too broken to be pieced back together…?

Mon, 06 May 2013 15:20:35 -0700

Are we too broken to be pieced back together…?

I thought I was happy and satisfied with our relationship or should I say lack of relationship...

Sun, 05 May 2013 03:50:49 -0700

I thought I was happy and satisfied with our relationship or should I say lack of relationship status?
But I’m not.
I want to be selfish and call you mine, but I can’t.
I want to say that I will wait for you until you’re ready, but I’m not sure.
It kills me to think about a future without you.
But what can you do when everything lies in the hands of fate?

I want to give up. I want to erase you from my life. I want to stop…talking to you, loving you…
But I can’t and I won’t.

How can I have so much faith in you and in this relationship…

I can’t stop this. I can’t help it either.

I don’t know what to do…with you…with this relationship…with myself.